Engaged

Today! It was wonderful. I can barely even recall much of how it went. Still though, it was without a doubt wondrous. It was so nice. I can remember so much, but not enough to put it all into clear thoughts and words. He supposedly planned it all out to be similar to one of his favorite folklore tales. I love my fiance. He's my very own tin soldier (:

Afterwards, we went to eat out at Tony Roma's with Imler and Alyssa, and then to a rocky spot at Paseo. I had left my phone in the restaurant and we were on the main road already, so Raini ran out of the car in the road back to the restaurant and got it for me. He's such a sweetie.

I'll edit later when I remember more...

EDIT: It's fiance, with one e when it comes to males. So he's my fiance and I am his fiancee. Eeeep, I love saying that! Anyway, he couldn't have proposed in a better way than he did. It was so sweet and perfect. He used such sweet words and was just so amazing. It's so hard to explain how I felt and what happened. He wanted me to lay in bed with him, so I did, and we were talking about something, but then I got upset so I wanted to get up and I tried, but he stopped me. He told me to just lay with him for a while longer and I kept asking him why and he told me he wanted to ask me something. He asked me if I wanted to lay in our bed with him forever and be his wife (and other stuff). It was so sweet and I can't remember much of anything else he said. I was so hesitant, but he's so sweet and convincing and I just love him so much. He was so happy he was crying and smiling and kissing and hugging me and twirling me around and dancing with me and kissing me even more. I could live in those minutes forever. Oh, how I adore him so.

You feel me?

So, today we had a house-warming party thing. It was nice. It was kind of crowded, but towards the end when most people left, it was nice. The last remaining consisted of myself, Raini, Imler, Leslie, and Crackhead. We had such interesting conversations, it's almost amazing. I think I've realized just how lucky I am to have Raini. I think I might've just fallen deeper in love with him. I hope it lasts long because I have shitty mood swings. I think I've learned a lot more very useful things. I'm glad we all went. It was really nice. Today was a good day.

Jerk

Honestly, I think that your boyfriend is an asshole. You're so oblivious to all the shit he does. He lies, cheats, deceives, and you don't even to seem to realize it. It's sad that you've completely given yourself to him. I suppose it's true when they say that love is blinding. You have obviously been blind for way too long, honey. 365 days too long. I hope you've regained your sense of sight.

Oh, sweet creature!

Tomorrow is 4/20. I don't 'celebrate' it, but it is my mother's birthday. I think she's looking for a fix, if you
know what I mean. How disappointing. Though it's sad to say, she is a horrid mother. It's sad, but it's the truth. I don't think I've ever loved her as a person. I think just because she's my mother, I did. I don't think that I do anymore.

Ugh, she is the worst migraine I have ever had.



ANYWAY,
I'm waiting for an adventure to take place.

Raw

This was an interesting week, though I really shouldn't get into detail. I will say, though, that this week was filled with many different emotions. My mood swings have been pretty intense and very different. I never notice things like this though. Besides my emotions taking a toll on things, something very nice in particular took place. More than once. Also, I've had much time to dwell on certain thoughts that should better my life, rather... our lives together. I think it's time for a change. A good sort of change. I cannot wait. I've been lacking much sleep and I've been in a lot of pain lately. Emotionally and physically. I should go now.

Weep

Once again, I didn't post yesterday. This horrible habit of not posting daily is resurfacing once more! Nay! I shant permit this sort of negligence and debauchery to occur any longer!

...Things are changing rather fast now. It seems as if I'm at a much slower pace than the rest of the world. It's awfully saddening.

Woke up and wished that I was dead,
with an aching in my head.
I lay motionless in bed.
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on.

The whole world is moving and I'm standing still.

Renegade!

I didn't post yesterday, boo.

Well, on an even shittier note, Raini and I spent a lot of money today. We're on a major budget.

- $80 sign up for power
- $26 sign up for water
(split in half)
-$1 AriZona (can)
-$5 chicken cutlet dish from Tokyo Mart Express
-$1.10 vending machine Whoppers

Total: $113.10

Ugh. I'm in dire need of a fucking job. Seriously. That's not even a lot compared to what we're going to have to be paying monthly. I need this. We must all make sacrifices for what we desire/need the most.

On a lighter note, I made another animation out of sheer boredom.

Oh, dear!

You always sound so fucking fake, it's nauseating. When you speak, when you write, when you type. Do you do that intentionally? God, you're frustrating.

I hope to forget you very soon.

I'm very tired. I just wanted to let that out before I make any rash decisions. I yawn as I type. I type as I yawn.

I'll edit when I have the chance to.
Maybe.

You can't, Nemo!

YOU CANNOT MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU.

Lovers turn into monsters at the loss of all affection, almost like it was the affection that kept them from being monsters. And I could have used some warning. I was on that porch all morning, smoking cigarettes and sinking deeper into doubt.

I've loved Bright Eyes before I even knew it, I swear. All the parts of lyrics I began loving years and years ago are Bright Eyes. I never knew it way back then. I'm thrilled about it.

Turning to a different subject, I think I sort of use MySpace bulletins as a way to sort of blog. I don't say anything really important (depending on what it is you consider important) and I no longer post surveys. I kind of get out how I feel.

Ouch, I think I've gone and sprained my crooked pinky finger again.

Also, I've been feeling nostalgic.

Subtle Variations of Blue

You don't have as much to feel smug about as you may think, my dear child. Deceit surrounds you. Don't point that long, pale, bony finger at me. I know better than to be smug of myself.

You're such a bitch sometimes and no, I'm not sorry. I just wish you would open your eyes. I guess they're too masked by glitter to get a clear view of anything.

I hope one day you open your eyes for the better and take a good fucking look around. Perhaps you've already drowned in the ocean you thought you knew.

Maybe you deserve this, though I honestly believe that no single soul deserves such agony.

Piles of Leaves

By the time I decide to blog, I'm never motivated to blog about the things I've recently been thinking of.

Last night, before I fell asleep, I pondered on the human heart and it's association with emotions. I don't think I have ever been taught why that is. I thought it was very interesting, though I stopped thinking about it for fear of over-thinking.

I think I may very well want to learn more about psychology. I don't think I'd want to learn more about sociology though. I miss having psychology/sociology. It was very interesting. I don't think I have it in me to become a psychologist. I'm a weak person with easily affected emotions. Yeah, I'm a wimp.

I had more on my mind earlier, but my mind is sort of cluttered and my thoughts don't seem clear enough to comprehend.

Softly Leave

I know your eyes in the morning sun.

I'm feeling very weak and dizzy. I suppose it's from the lack of food.

I think that I've lost majority of my motivation to do anything. I'm just feeling a bit down about things I guess. Connect me to the world again.

Post Script: HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE?


“And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn’t.”
-The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Hands

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
(Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Chapter 6)

LET THE RUMPUS START!

Some Like it Cold

I even fell for that stupid love song.

My index finger is stained red. My lips are stained red. The area around my eyes are smudged with black. My mind is flooded with miles and miles of debris.

...And an hour later, I'm still not even halfway through a decent blog. Motherfucker.

I'm feeling very neutral and numb to everything. I feel so disconnected.

***

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the skin horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby, but these things don’t matter at all, because once you are real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand. ”
- The Velveteen Rabbit

Blank Pages

It's alright, it's almost over.

I truly believe that music feeds the soul. It nourishes, calms, inspires, and everything in between. I love hearing songs that just connect with me. I mean, it just sort of clicks. It's like it's touching my soul. It's a beautiful thing. It makes me want to cry because I just feel so content with everything. I may not always be able to interpret what everything means, but I can just feel some significant connection. Little things in certain songs just make my ears nearing deaf worth while. I don't mind that I can't play an instrument, or rather, I don't play one. Later in life I'd like to take up an instrument. I'm still unsure as to what I would like to play. I must find my heart instrument. I think my heart instrument is just something to write/draw with.