And a Half

Little girls don't know how to be sweet girls, mama didn't teach me. Little boys don't know how to treat little girls, daddy didn't show me.

That's probably not an actual PostSecret, but whatever. I'll just be sure that the first images I post are secrets.

Today felt somewhat surreal. I'm not even entirely sure if the first half of the day was a dream or not. When I say 'dream,' it doesn't necessarily mean that it's a good thing. It isn't necessarily a bad thing either. I suppose I was just neutral towards the whole situation. When I think back on it, it's like... sort of indescribable. I feel like the first half of today is part of what I'll see before I die, like when my life flashes before my eyes or whatever. I'm both happy and sad and I really can't determine as to why. I see the morning coast, Raini's face in the dark of his cold room in his bed, I see us happy, us quiet, us talking. I see us crying...

Today wasn't a great day. I let too many things affect how I feel. Things never turn out as expected I guess. I won't cry about it. I'll live.

***

I can't keep my mind settled on just one thing.

MY
HEART
IS
A
MOTHERFUCKING
IDIOT.

***

I'm really annoyed. I just wish that some people would leave Neverland already. Grow the fuck up. Seriously, it isn't cute anymore.

Fin.

Carpe Noctem

This is war. Every line that is about who I don't wanna write about anymore.

Metal died today. She died half an hour after her surgery. It just hasn't hit me quite as hard as I thought it would. I don't think it's quite hit me just yet. My emotions have been fucked up lately. What's wrong with me?

Everything.
Everything.
Everything.


Keeping quiet is hard 'cause you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start.

We're concentrating on falling apart. I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe.

We are the best at what we do.

Younger

Things still do not quite feel how I remember. Something still feels so significantly different, though I can't quite place my finger on it. Something of value is missing and I miss it.

When I was young, I knew everything.

I feel like doing something amazing. I feel like doing something meaningful for once. Something that no one would ever expect from me. Something that will forever change things. It has to be magnificent. I need this.

You said you loved me and I kind of believe that, but these days who knows what it means?

Someone

I don't even know who you are anymore. You're becoming just like him. I thought you would never even come close to being compared to him. I obviously thought very, very wrong. I need someone to talk to. Someone, anyone, everyone... save me. I regret everything. EVERYTHING. God. I am the stupidest person on the face of this fucking earth. I want to be alone. I can never be alone.

Breathing is hard for me to do. I can barely think, let alone speak. Look at the mess I've gotten myself into this time.

I really wish I had someone to talk to. I am in dire need of a friend.

I'm afraid of everything.

Nine hard times in life:
1. Being questioned when you yourself don’t understand.
2. Pretending to be innocent of what you are guilty about.
3. Trying to forget something you know you never will.
4. Admitting you were wrong after you have been so insistent that you were right.
5. Debating with yourself.
6. Accepting the fact that some things are not meant to be.
7. Trying to understand when you just can’t.
8. Realizing that you’ve been fooled after you’ve given your whole trust.
9. Parting with and letting go of someone who made you believe in love again.


I wish that my brain had a map to tell my heart where to go.

Again

Say my name, say my name, say my stupid name.

Today was nice...
I enjoy naps and dinner dates with my boyfriend. I do not, however, enjoy the hot, hot, hot and humid island weather. It's been quite horrid.

Also, today I sort of signed my life away.
Also, I'm scared shitless... of everything.

Beauty

I feel like a glutton.

I'm really kind of unsure of what to blog about, though I really feel like blogging. I've been feeling quite faint lately. The weather has been horrendously hot and some of my classes are lacking air conditioners, rather... properly working ones. I had an interesting day, though I won't go into much detail about it.

"'Dear beauty, try not to regret all you have left behind you, for you are destined to a better fate. Only do not let yourself be deceived by appearances.' Beauty found her dreams so interesting that she was in no hurry to awake, but presently the clock roused her by calling her name softly twelve times, And very soon she sat down cosily in the corner of a sofa, and began to think about the charming Prince she had seen in her dream. 'He said I could make him happy,' said Beauty to herself. 'It seems, then, that this horrible Beast keeps him a prisoner. How can I set him free? I wonder why they bother told me not to trust appearances? I don't understand it. But, after all, it was only a dream, so why should I trouble myself about it? I had better go and find something to do to amuse myself.' So she got up and began to explore some of the many rooms of the palace. The first she entered was lined with mirrors, and Beauty saw herself reflected on every side, and she thought she had never seen such a charming room. Then a bracelet which was hanging from a chandelier caught her eye, and on taking it down she was greatly surprised to find that it held a portrait of her unknown admirer, just as she had seen him in her dream. With great delight she slipped the bracelet on her arm, and went on into a gallery of pictures, where she soon found a portrait of the same handsome Prince, as large as life, and so well painted that as she studied it He seemed to smile kindly at her." -Beauty and the Beast

Cambria

So... I made a Flickr account. I've always just used deviantART, but I suppose a change of pace is nice every now and then. I do have to get used to this sort of thing if I intend to survive in the world after all.

It's about 8:34 P.M. right now and I started this nearly half an hour ago! Where is my mind? I haven't a clue really. My mind is all cluttered with nonsense ideas and thoughts...

Now it's 8:59. Man, am I fucked.

Post script: In your motherfucking face, bitch.

Inside

I am in dire need of a miracle. I'm getting pretty desperate. I feel as if there is a huge and heavy punching bag where my heart should be and it's sinking deeper and deeper into all of my other organs. I've been feeling so depressed and stressed lately. It's quite numbing really...

I don't know what to do anymore. My methods of venting don't seem to be healthy. I think it's best if I don't go into further detail of them though. I'm just feeling so... I don't know. So very, very down. I've been drawing more just recently though. I really should do something more productive with my free time. I need to get a job. I need to finish up college paperwork. I need to stop procrastinating. I don't know what is wrong with me. It's so easy for me to start on just about a million things and be really into them and motivated to finish them, but my motivation slowly dies down and I find myself brushing them off to do other things. I really don't seem to realize how much I seem to be fucking myself over. I'm afraid of everything...

Here

I am here. I fucking hate it here.

Four people in this small fucking ashtray of a bedroom. We aren't allowed out of this room, except for my mother who leaves as she pleases for as fucking long as she pleases. Leaves me to fucking endure shit I shouldn't even have to go through. Where did my childhood go? Where did I forget it? I left it somewhere long, long, long ago and was never able to retrieve it. For as long as I can remember, I had to act independent without any sense of proper judgment. I don't even know if I came out fucking normal of not. Much of my childhood was spent alone. I recall drawing a lot and sitting under a tree in the backyard of a house watching sunsets and talking to my stuffed animals. I think that was my only sanctuary. Where is my sanctuary now? I have no bedroom of my own. I have nothing to call my own besides a couple bags of clothing, this laptop, and a bed that I prepare on the fucking floor, which I also use as a desk. How am I supposed to work like this? I have to blast music into my ears to help me concentrate and block out everything else in order to do anything. I'm going to go deaf soon. I know others have it even worse, but fuck. I find myself crying more and more these days and I feel like I should stop, but I just can't. I'm fucking pathetic. My adult life is only beginning and I've already failed at everything.

Make me stop crying please. Shoot me. I'm afraid if I attempt it myself, I'll fail at that too. I am so afraid of failing. It's fucking inevitable so I'm fucked.

I lose faith so easily now. Is love really all we need? Can love really save me? Not for me. Not anymore. Prove me wrong. Please.

Fictional

I miss people that don't exist. Time is a constant factor in my desperate situation concerning losing those so dear to me that aren't really there. I feel like crying and I don't really know why. Most of the time, I have to remind myself that certain things aren't real, but then I remember that things like that do happen and more often than I would like. I sometimes feel like my heart is too heavy for my body to hold. I don't really know where this is all coming from. I've just backspaced so many words and sentences. I'm running away from myself again. No matter how far I run, I still feel something tugging at the strings of my heart. Sometimes I wish it would stop, but I feel like I need it there...

Please, please stop crying. You're breaking my heart.
Oh God, I think I just felt it fall to my stomach.

6AM Pt. II

So, I've decided to post up some pictures from Friday (the 13th) when instead of going to school, we decided to relax. I think I'll just have one strip of a few of my favorite photos rather than uploading a bunch.

We went to the beach at 6AM first and had a wonderful time there. It was beautiful. It gave me a whole new perception of the beach and a new appreciation for it. The sun rising while the moon still hung around, the foamy waves crashing onto the rocks, the mist surrounding the waves, the cold breeze, the smell of the ocean and the new day beginning... ugh, it was all so magnificent. It couldn't have been a more perfect day to experience all of that and with the person I love the most. It was the epitome of beauty. Oh, there is so much beauty right in front of us, if only we just took the time to really look. When I decide to leave this island, that will be my fondest memory of this place. Virginia has no beaches so I'm sure that if I decide to go there with Raini someday, I will come to really miss the beach (at least how it is so early in the morning).

I took my favorite photos from today and made them into an animation. It makes me so happy. I spent hours staring at this...


I can still imagine everything perfectly. I can feel the breeze, hear the waves, smell the ocean, and see everything so clearly. I can't wait for another day like this. It was so amazing. I felt as if I had fallen even more in love with him. Oh, it was absolutely beautiful. You just had to be with us, right then and there, to know what I mean.

1,261

200 more to go until our 4 year anniversary.

Alike

Change your heart and we'll astound you.

No matter how often we're told not to judge based on looks, assumptions, and rumors... we do it anyway. Even if we don't realize it, we do it. I don't know if it's just human nature to do it, but we all (if not most) of us do it. I was thinking about how how the best friends that we have could have enemies that we are friends with and that's because we don't know them the way others know them. Different people bring out different aspects in our personalities. We can't have the right to say something about someone based on what we've heard or how little we know them. It's so easy to judge someone without really knowing them because you can't really care about what you say because you don't know them well enough to really care. It's a horrible thing to say, but it's also the truth (for the most part). The people be love could be hated by the rest of the entire world because of things people say because of how they know them whether they know the truth or not. I think that the world is fine with things being this way and I hate it horribly. There a so many things I want to tell so many people, but decline on it because well, I really don't know. Maybe it's just not my place to tell someone something sometimes, but there are things that definitely need to be said. One day soon I'll muster up the courage to say what I feel.

I was thinking that we should all just have one day to really say what we really feel regardless of the effect it will have on everyone. We should all write a truth of how we feel about someone (or everyone) on a piece of paper, fold it up, mix them all in a hat, and one by one, each choose one out and read aloud for all to hear. I think everyone needs to hear the true feelings of someone every once in a while. Hopefully, it will open eyes and change someone for the better.



P.S. I fixed my time and date.

6AM

The beach at six in the morning is beautiful. The wind in your face, the smell of the ocean, the misty waves, the calm atmosphere, the rising sun, the setting moon was amazing. You made it all the more beautiful. Today was most definitely worth it. I'm glad at the choice we made. I felt infinite. Sitting so close to the waves crashing up against the rocks, leaning on your shoulder, my face on yours, our hands laced, the way everything just fit together so well... such a wondrous feeling. That was by far my favorite moment of the day. I can still feel the wind, hear the waves, and smell the ocean. I cannot wait for another day just like today.

Part my ribs like the sea and change me.

Jitterbug

My iPod makes me happy. It makes me happy in that it allows me to completely ignore everyone around me. It helps me to endure the shenanigans of the shitheads around me. It makes me happy when I'm surrounded by people I would rather not be with. ...The moon seems to rise at an earlier time. It rises around the time the sun is just beginning to set, circa 6ish. The moon and sun are visible to each other and the moon is pretty big. It is quite a wondrous thing to be able to see. Quite beautiful. I miss being happy enough to see all the beauty in things. Being sad makes everything else seem so horribly sad.

Stupid

A lot of times, I need to remember to breathe and there have been few occasions where I needed to remember HOW to breathe. Tis the tragedy of one's brain over-thinking about everything and anything. Anyway... I have been rather moody lately and it's been kind of brutal, but I'm getting much better at self-control which is a huge plus on my part. I've been happy because at the end of this month, it shall mark three and a half years of my boyfriend and I being together. Eeep, I'm really happy about it! When he turns 18 (which is in May, bleh), we plan on getting special tattoos together. What they are and where they will be and what they represent is a secret at the moment because we're still discussing it, but I'm pretty stoked about it. I love him so much, despite my mood swings.

10:42 P.M. edit//
I've gone and broken my heart a little more again. I always put myself in shitty situations like this. What's wrong with me? My heart feels drenched and heavy with immense sadness. I am the epitome of self-destruction.

Fat

Today I got a $55 belly piercing + ring. I'm quite dissapointed in myself for letting him pay for it.

Anyway, I found an interesting survey and I figured I might as well do it. I am quite notorious for doing surveys and never posting them up for the world to see. A goal on my life's list is to be more open. Another one is to get a semi-drastic piercing and that is done. I should really write all these goals down somewhere. When I have the time I suppose I shall.


I AM :
[ ] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[x] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast

PEOPLE :
[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[ ] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic

I WISH :
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE :
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE:
[x] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes
[x] I have many scars
[x] I tan easily
[x] I wish my hair was a different color
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
[ ] I have a tattoo
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[ ] I have/had braces
[x] I wear glasses
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger
[x] I have more than 2 piercings
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[ ] I have freckles

FAMILY:
[x] I've sworn at my parents
[ ] I've run away from home
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house
[ ] My biological parents are together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old
[x] I want to have kids someday
[ ] I've had children
[ ] I've lost a child

EMBARRASSMENT:
[x] I've slipped out a "L-O-L" in a spoken conversation
[x] Disney movies still make me cry
[ ] I've peed from laughing
[ ] I've snorted while laughing
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my trousers rip in public

RELATIONSHIPS:
[ ] I'm single
[x] I'm in a relationship
[ ] I'm engaged
[ ] I'm married
[ ] I've gone on a blind date
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper
[x] I miss someone right now
[x] I have a fear of abandonment
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[x ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship

SEXUALITY:
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher
[x] I am a cuddler
[x] I've been kissed in the rain
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY:
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't
[x] I've snuck out of my house
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game
[x] I've cheated on a test
[ ] I've been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES:
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[x] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying

WEIGHT:
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[ ] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[ ] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[ ] I've taken diet pills
[ ] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged
[ ] I exercise
[ ] I exercise so I can eat
[ ] I work out secretly
[ ] I work out daily
[ ] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I've fainted from exhaustion
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[ ] I have a ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I count calories
[ ] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[ ] I love food
[ ] I want to be this way
[ ] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[ ] Being thin is my top priority
[ ] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself

I'VE DONE:
[ ] Weed
[ ] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[ ] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine
[ ] Other

That survey made me angry because of how unorganized it was. I fixed it a tad bit. I feel nauseous and hungry and tired.

Unsaid

No, I'm not happy today. No, I'm not okay. I doubt I'll ever be okay. Yes, I need help. Please help me.

...Honestly, sometimes I really want help, but I wouldn't ever want to burden anyone with my problems. Blogging usually helps. I'm so fucking unhappy with everything about myself and my life. I am pretty much useless and fucking stupid. I might as well end things now because God knows that I can't make it in life. I'd probably have to resort to horrible, horrible things just to get by in life. I'm pretty much fucked, yeah.

Anyway, today we (I shant specify whom) had a long, long, long talk about people and their actions and the drama that seems to be hidden so deep into false friendships. I honestly wish that for just one day, everyone would say all that they mean. Fuck, what has this world come to? I don't even know anymore. God. I guess we all pretty much are all alone in the world. How fucking sad is that? It's a motherfucking tragedy.

Time is ticking away faster than I anticipated.

Failure

This secret could've been sent in by me, though I'm glad it wasn't. It's nice not to feel so fucking alone. God. I have a slew of problems that I have to somehow fix. First of all, I need to fix myself. I need help. Sometimes, I think that perhaps there really is something wrong me, mentally, emotionally, whatever. Then I think that perhaps I'm just giving myself another excuse as to why my life is so fucked up. I know it's me. It's me, it's me, it's me. There is nothing wrong with me other than the way I go about doing things. I'm a failure because I fail to get my shit together.

To do list:

• Get a job
• College/scholarship applications
• Stop using so much money
  
• Stop eating so much
  
• Shut up every once in a while
• Do something useful
• Write/draw/read more
• Get my priorities straight
• Don't stress too much
• Don't stress too much
• Don't stress too much
  

Also, I think that talking is better for me because when I'm alone, my mind comes up with such strange things. It's like it's not even my mind to begin with. I really don't think solitude is best for me. Oh well. I'm too stressed to worry about my mind. I really, really, really pray that I make it through alright. I'm scared shitless.