Better

Today marks us being together for three years and four months. Despite the rocks in our path, we've made it through all this time without any break ups. I'm happy with him, no matter what I may say in the heat of anger. I truly, honestly believe that he is my soul mate. I love him more than anything and no one, not even you, can ever, ever, EVER change that. My heart is chained to his the way it was meant to be and the way it'll be forever. No one can fill my heart the way he does. No one can make me feel the way he does. No one can ever love me the way he does.

I can never love anyone the way I love him and I don't intend to. I'm sticking with him.

Object

Perhaps it's not so much as comfort, but rather closeness. I feel we've drifted when it comes to intimacy. It's not a good feeling (are feelings like this ever?). I am a person, damnit. I NEED to feel. I just wish that I didn't feel like so much of an object when we're together. I miss him. Him-him. You'll never understand what I mean, but I hope you get an idea of it. I just miss laying together for seconds, minutes, hours doing nothing but breathing and talking. Of course there would be an occasional laugh, cry, hug, kiss, cuddle, etc. I hope you get the visual I'm trying to get at you (not that I want to gross you out).

I just want to feel the way I used to feel. The way we used to feel... together. I'm sure that I'm not asking for much (or I at least hope not). I love him, I do. I want him happy. I want to make him happy no matter how much it takes, even if in the end I drown in my tears. I'll always love him no matter how much he hurts me. That is the honest-to-goodness truth.

Wreck

I am a nervous fucking wreck. My heart is beating faster, faster, faster with each key I touch. I'm pretty sure that I feel a panic attack coming on. God, how I wish for something, anything. My happiness is filtered with shit. I'd love to just jump on the next flight anywhere and never look back for even a moment.

I've been backspacing and deleting letters, words, sentences, and paragraphs. I can't seem to express how I feel about anything anymore. I feel so numb to the world. I feel so numb to myself. Who am I? What the fuck am I doing with my life? Why, why, why am I still fucking dwelling on this?! God. I'm fucking pathetic. Pathetic and unprepared for the 'real world' (whatever it may be).

"You're not a bad person, just an empty one."
Fuck. Give me a time machine.

Windy

Today started out pretty shitty really. I've been on a moody roller coaster for quite sometime now, and I'm afraid that this ride won't be stopping any time soon. I'm afraid of everything. I'll be eighteen years old in less than twenty-five days, and I'm scared shitless. I mean, it gives me more freedom, but with that freedom comes a boatload of responsibilities that I don't think I can handle. I feel so pressured with everything. School, job (or lack thereof), college, money, money, money, myself, my bi-polar relationship, etc. ...What I wouldn't do for wings right about now. Everything is piling up so high that I can barely even envision my thoughts over my mountains of problems. I just really need a huge amount of time to myself to clear my thoughts and get my shit together. I'm pretty sure that once I get my shit together, I wouldn't be able to lift them all. I can't even think straight, much less even see clearly.

On a lighter note, walking to G.C.C. with Bunch was nice. The wind was blowing so hard, I could hear it. It was literally blowing me away. It feels nice when that happens.

Edit: I'm deep inside a depressive rut. I feel pressured to do everything. I'm stressed. I don't know why I feel so over-the-top stressed. When I think about it, it doesn't seem that bad, but my mind and my stomach tell me otherwise. My stomach is twisting, twisting into knots that can't be undone. I know this is a bad sign. It always is.

Versus

No matter where I go or what the situation is, I am constantly being compared to things that I doubt I will ever be. My self-esteem is at it's lowest right now and there is nothing that will bring it back up. Self-esteem takes money (or, in my case it does). I care about what everyone has to say. I always seem to assume that the bad things people say are always about me, no matter what it's about. It's like something is programmed in my mind to assume that. I wish I could get it out. Whenever I read someone rant about how horrible someone is, I automatically assume that they're talking about me, and then I get this aching feeling in my heart. I think there's something wrong with me. Anyway, I've promised members of PSC that I'll stop being so insecure and I'll try harder to like the way I look. My body weight hasn't been on my mind lately (well, perhaps since I've been menstruating, but whatever), it's been other physical aspects of myself which would starving wouldn't help with. I think starving so much has actually been a factor in my latest physical appearance problem. I doubt I will ever be happy with myself. I often wish my boyfriend would leave me so I would no longer have the desire to wake up in the morning, much less continue to live my life.

I've been searching for something (which I'm not even quite sure of) and I doubt I'll ever even reach it. I need a leaf of hope to blow my way.

Nothingness

Yeah, so I have another blog.

I have obtained so many accounts on many various websites that I'm starting to think that perhaps there is something wrong with me. I feel as if I'm trying to look for something that I'm missing. Perhaps I'm just feeling somewhat lonely. I don't know what it is I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I just wish this emptiness goes away soon. I pray for happiness to set in. I really do want to be happy. I don't intentionally make myself sad. Sometimes though, I feel it is much easier than being happy. When you're always happy, being let down only makes me feel worse because I feel like an idiot for being so optimistic in the first place. When I expect the worse, I don't feel so stupid when things end up horrible.

I always seem to have optimism for everyone but myself.