Versus

No matter where I go or what the situation is, I am constantly being compared to things that I doubt I will ever be. My self-esteem is at it's lowest right now and there is nothing that will bring it back up. Self-esteem takes money (or, in my case it does). I care about what everyone has to say. I always seem to assume that the bad things people say are always about me, no matter what it's about. It's like something is programmed in my mind to assume that. I wish I could get it out. Whenever I read someone rant about how horrible someone is, I automatically assume that they're talking about me, and then I get this aching feeling in my heart. I think there's something wrong with me. Anyway, I've promised members of PSC that I'll stop being so insecure and I'll try harder to like the way I look. My body weight hasn't been on my mind lately (well, perhaps since I've been menstruating, but whatever), it's been other physical aspects of myself which would starving wouldn't help with. I think starving so much has actually been a factor in my latest physical appearance problem. I doubt I will ever be happy with myself. I often wish my boyfriend would leave me so I would no longer have the desire to wake up in the morning, much less continue to live my life.

I've been searching for something (which I'm not even quite sure of) and I doubt I'll ever even reach it. I need a leaf of hope to blow my way.