Afraid

I hope to God that I'll be alright. I have this sinking feeling in my gut that I won't be. I'm afraid of everything. I think the only real issue for me is money (or lack thereof, as always). So anyway, eleven days left. Staying here isn't an option no matter how badly I need money. I can't take it here anymore. I can barely think clearly anymore. I have to constantly control myself from having impulsive urges to yell or physically hurt anyone here. It's frustrating to have to live in this house.

I hope I'll be alright. I pray that I'll be alright. I'm not going to fuck this up. I seriously need to get my shit together and fucking prioritize. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK. I know I don't have it as bad as some other people may, but I don't think that it's right for me to have to go through all this shit at my age. Have I done anything wrong to deserve all the shit I go through? I lost out on my entire childhood. I had to grow up before I even had a chance to know what being a kid felt like. I swear to God, if I ever get out of this mess and have children of my own, they will NEVER have to go through what I have to endure. This is going to stop soon, one way or another. If I have to give up everything I have, I'm leaving here. The only person I know for sure that I can always depend on is Raini. I can't even be sure that I can depend on myself. I have no family and true friends are scarce. What the fuck has this world come to? Is this just the reality of life? Why am I only learning things now?

I really wish I had a fucking pause button. I'd give my left leg for a pause button.

Feelings

I dread the next two weeks leading up to my birthday. I need help. I hate asking for help. I hate feeling like a charity case. I hate feeling so vulnerable to rejection. I hate, hate, hate everything right now. I'm so afraid of change despite how much I hate everything. I know I can't make it on my own. Even with a little help, I know I'll fail at life. I'm an utter fucking failure.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!"
"Everything."
"..."

So I've pretty much fucked myself and the future of my being. I have no sense of anything. I'm all talk and no fucking action. Honestly, what is wrong with me? Someone, anyone, tell me. Be as blunt as you can possibly be. My feelings mean nothing at this point. I just need to know. I need some fucking truth spoken to me for once in my life.

"Why do I always feel like I'm talking to myself?"
"Because you are."
"So why don't I stop?"
"Why don't you?"
"I don't know."

Homeless

So I turn eighteen in fourteen days. I need a place to stay other than here. I fucking hate this house. This house is not a home. I need a job because I need money because I need a place to stay. I could care less about myself eating or living comfortably, I just need a roof over my head that doesn't feel as if it'll collapse and kill me. I have no home, no family, and no money for anything... not even college. God. I'm not even there and college is already killing me. I have no one to blame but myself really. I constantly find myself hating myself for all the shit I get myself into. I don't mean to, but I often do anyway. I'm by far the stupidest person I have ever met. I hate myself more than I've ever hated anyone. God. What the fuck is wrong with me? What, what, what? Shoot me. Someone. Anyone. Now. Please.

9:41 P.M. Edit//
I want to fucking kill her. I want to make sure that she does not have a single breath left in her aging body. I want to make sure that she is cold, lifeless, and unable to bother me or anyone else anymore. I want to bury her body where it cannot be found ever again, not even by me. I want her words to seep back into her cold, dead, blue lips, as I do cartwheels around her and show everyone that she was nothing but wrong, wrong, wrong as she always was and will always be.

Crash

Flying would be much better than driving. I feel I would have less a chance of crashing, or at least I hope I would. I'm a horrible driver, even with my honey at my side holding the wheel and guiding me. Driving turns me into a literal wreck. I had a near panic attack as I even got into the driver's seat.

Excerpt from today's Melodramatic blog:

I was driving on the road today for the very first time. My love was holding on to the wheel as my security blanket. About 10 minutes into driving, I started crying and couldn't stop. I pulled over and let him finish driving. He said he was proud of me and that I did really good. I feel like I was going to kill everyone in the vehicle. I shouldn't drive. As a child, I had numerous nightmares of crashing in vehicles when I was behind the wheel, even if the car wasn't running. I even once dreamt that the car I was in started reversing out of control.

I think I have problems. Also, I miss clear vision like no other. As I cried, my glasses got all smudged with make-up and tears, it was unbearable.

I really shouldn't be procrastinating like this, you know. Motivate me, please. I've been stressing to the maximum level for quite some time now. I have bursts of crying every now and then from the stress build up. My stressing interferes with many key concepts of my daily routines. I'm a fucking wreck. I also think I'm gaining weight. I'm actually pretty sure that I am. Ugh.

It's days like this where I just want to jump off a cliff and take flight.

Fake

One of my biggest pet peeves would be fake fucking smiles. I hate seeing every one of your MySpace pictures with those same seemingly forced smiles. I can see it in your eyes. I can see how tense your face is. I know how straining it is for you. STOP. It makes me cringe and knots my stomach into the worst tangles I've felt. It's just so... irritating. I mean, show some other emotion. Ugh. I just hate MySpace. I do have one, and I hate that I do. It's the only way I know to communicate with most people I know. Facebook doesn't have many friends, Xanga is dead, etc. As a person, I have the need to socialize. I hate MySpace because you can be so judging of a person by every little detail they put into it. Then everyone turns their profile into something they're not. Why can't we all just be ourselves for once? Is it pressure? Insecurity? ...Anything? I think that if we all stopped caring about what the entire world thinks, then we can each truly be ourselves. Amen.

Edit//
I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going with my life. I turn 18 in 18 days. I'm not ready for anything. I feel like I've already failed at my life entirely. I have no sense of direction whatsoever. I'm an utter failure at everything I do/everything I attempt/desire to do.